Pew pew pew, I'm finally updating. But it's not my fault because internet on the island was like "WOOOAAAH I SUCK" and I was like "Yep. You really do, island internet. You really do."
So Chiang Mai. Let me tell you about it. It's in Thailand. If you go to the land of Thai, I recommend you go there. I'll show you why in a second, but first let me tell you about getting there. It's not a big adventure story, so if you got your hopes up with that previous sentence then it's your own fault really. It was a long train ride from Bangkok but there was air conditioning and banana bread so it wasn't bad. Oh and some rice/chicken combo that tasted ok, but looked kinda like what you'd find in the gutter. I'm alive though, so it wasn't poison.
Got into Chiang Mai at 10pm with no idea where I was going to stay, no idea where any places to stay were since the Lonely Planet book gives suggestions but the street names are ridiculous and while lots of Thai can speak English, not many can read it. And my ability to pronounce Thai words comes across as more insulting than helpful. Lucky for me though, I ran into some Canadians on the platform! I asked if I could tag along to wherever the hell they were going and the agreed. I think it's because my beard lured them into a false sense of security. My face is like a teddy bear. Although one guy in Koh Tao said it was kinda rapey... Oh well!
We all hopped into the back of a pick up truck, because that's normal and "safe" in Thailand and headed to our hotel. I signed up to go jungle trekking - and holy shit there's a baby crying non-stop right now and I'm going insane - then the next day we went to the jungle. For 3 days. Before that, we all got drunk and went some of us uknowingly went to a prostitute bar. At first I was like "Damn, Thai ladies love me!" then I realized they just like selling AIDS to people. It got awkward fast.
It rained the first day which was cool because a) it kept the bugs off, 2) it cooled us off and iv) I felt like Forrest Gump when he was in "VIET-FUCKING-NAM!" We then got to a house inhabited by some members of one of the native hill tribes (the Karen tribe.) That was awesome. We were by a river that we could swim/wash in. They fed us good food and gave some Thai moonshine. I didn't have any the first night because I didn't want to die on the day 2 hike.
Second day was hiking followed by another village. We got there and they fed us again, including raw minced buffalo and dried chiles. It was good and I think it was liver... which explains the taste of blood...
We played flip-cup with one of the tribesmen that included painting the losers faces with charcoal from the bottom of a cooking pot. One guy, Steve, had his entire face covered. He looked like a black-face actor from the 30's except 100x more offensively racist. I ended up with a swastika on my forehead because fuck you, Dylan.
Day 3 was a bamboo rafting trip thing. It was like 5 thick pieces of bamboo tied together and cruised the river.
We got back and for a couple nights in a row we played pool at some bar where we got schooled by Thai ladies because I guess that's all they do every day. Definitely fun though. Ate some mealworms, silkworms and a cockroach. All fried in garlic, they were pretty good I admit. But I'm pretty maxed out on cockroach eating for probably my whole life.
Then I left by taking a bus and boat to the island of Koh Tao where I learned how to scuba dive. 4 days and 9 dives later, I became a certified advanced open water diver. Which pretty much means I can go 30m. I did a night dive though, which ended with us swimming to the beach of the resort. I felt like a JTF-2 or SEAL coming out of the water with scuba gear and a beard. After that, I left.
Now I'm on Koh Pangnan and so far it's the best place I've been, in terms of relaxing. I'll post pictures of it later though.
There. That's it. That's what I did since the last update. No more, no less.
PHOTOS
The first place we slept. It was so dusty, my asthma tried to kill me. What a dumb body response by the way. "Oh shit, there's dust! Better close your throat to death so you won't have to deal with it in the future!" Thanks, lungs.
This is where we bathed and swam. Right by our room.
This guy was on our ceiling. Im convinced it's dead and just stuck there to scare tourist. Not to say we didn't see spiders just as big but...shut up. Hard to judge the scale, but it was much larger than a toonie.
We had to cross way too many of these. I was scared for my cameras life. And my passport. And my collection of vintage Archie Comics.
Lunch, day 2
We ate this and it was GRRRRREAT
This is Steve. I forgot to mention earlier that he fell off the water fall on day 1. Scraped his back, cut his head pretty decently, nice big contusion on the arm. He didn't die though, which would have been a downer. I watched him fall, and I seriously thought he died. On a lighter note; that shirt he's wearing? Yeah. The first tribes people that we stayed with had given him that because he gave them a sweater plus a nice cortex jacket for their cold season. He also got a ton of free hugs. Steve is crazy, but I admit he's a generous dude.
Natural water slide!
Rice field
Kooooooooh Tao! Diving certificate capital of the world, probably. Definitely the cheapest place. I think it cost me somewhere along the lines of $400 for 2 certificates, 6 nights, 6 total days of learning, 4 days of straight up diving and 9 dives.
My home for those nights. The toilet didn't flush normally. I had to dump a bucket of water into it each time to flush it. That's sorta normal in Thailand but I never got used to it.
The bar/first place you learn to set up your scuba gear.
That's it! You're probably wondering why I don't have shots of the actual diving and stuff. If you weren't wondering, stop reading because I'm about to explain. The dive boat got wet. Really wet. All the time. It's hard to find a proper fitting case for my camera to take underwater so I didn't risk it. Sort of a bummer, but there are photos on the Crystal Dive Resort facebook page thinger that I can tag myself in. Oh well!
I'm tired of typing and copy/pasting links. This is the longest blog post yet. Lets make sure they don't get bigger.
I hate you blogspot.
Storm
My bungalow!
My bed.
Ok fast forward several days. BAM! I'm in Cairns. I have one photo of Cairns. Why? Because the city itself is unremarkable. But why not photograph the reef, and the amazing ocean you might ask? Because shut up. I'm just kidding. Mostly because the ocean and scenery looks similar to Thailand. You have to see it for yourself, pictures are just bland. As for the reef itself; I didn't rent an underwater camera because it was like $45, and luckily I didn't because it was disappointing. Not very many colours and probably 10 different fish types. I touched a giant clam though. That's not a euphamism.
Suddenly, I'm in Brisbane. I can't find the photos of the city itself for some reason (I know, terrible photo blog.) So all I've got are shots of the zoo. Don't go to the zoo. Unless you recently won the lottery or you're willing to mug people out front. $60 entry fee plus it's far as hell from the city so travel costs. I mean, it was cool but not worth the price. Although the animal care was pretty top notch. Not like the Calgary Zoo that gets excited for every day an animal hasn't died a horrible death.
Oh, it rained so I don't have a ton of photos.
These demon birds are everywhere and they look like the plague doctors. I swear they sow nightmares, harvest souls and reap the remaining sanity. Or eat garbage. I mostly see them eating garbage.
I guess kangaroos eat their tails for fun.
BAM! That was Brisbane. From there I went to Port Macquarrie for a few days to visit a good pal I met in Perth. HEY DAYNE! Had some good times. The hostel was pretty much empty and I guess they never got the memo that hostels should have at least one couch because the entire place was just lawn chairs.
After that, I was Sydney bound.
I just realized I have a bunch of photos on my other memory card. I bet that's where the Brisbane ones are. I'll have to do a misc. photo post after this. WHOOPS!
Because now these photos are from Tasmania. Hobart, to be exact. The MONA art museum to be even more exact. Awesome museum. Definitely the weirdest one I've been to, but for all the right reasons. Exhibit of porcelain vaginas? Check. Wall of TV's filled with people singing Madonna badly at you? Check. Remains Palestinian suicide bomber sculpted in chocolate? Yep. You get the idea. Worth every penny though. They give you an iPod touch and headphones to scan for information on each piece. The future is noooowwww.
This next machine simulates cloacas. A cloaca is a birds asshole. This machine eats and shits because art. Unfortunately the bird proctologists were busy repairing the artificial anuses the day we went.
A jukebox with peoples funeral songs.
Suicide machine
These were steps that lead to a sarcophagus. The black is water, filled with what I assume to be the snake things from Prometheus.
Mt. Field National Park, Tasmania. WATERFALLS! They're cool. I'll close with them and update again in like 2 months. Enjoy the green vibes.
By far my favourite picture.
